A Sohma Christmas
by TehCheezGangsta
Summary: It's Christmas, and time for the annual Sohma banquet. But Akito's present this year is a bit...different.


**I wrote this story back in my weaboo days a few years ago. EMBRACE THE NOOBISHNESS.**

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Akito Sohma sat at the head of the head of the banquet table type thing the Sohmas were using for the Christmas "celebration." The 12 zodiac members were seated at the table, as well as Tohru and Kyou, who were invited this year so Akito could torture them too.

"Okay, I know last year I locked all of you in a very small, very dark room with no food or water for a week, but this year will be different! I'm going to give you presents…and THEN lock all of you in said room for 2 weeks! And this year it will be more crowded since Kyou and Tohru have graced us with their presence…but, since I'm a nice person, I decided to make it a little less crowded for you." Akito stabbed Tohru and she died.

"Okay, now time for presents! Yuki, I got you some cheese." Akito handed Yuki one of those giant cheese wedges that are bright yellow with a lot of holes in them…you know what I mean.

Yuki hesitated. He LOVES cheese…almost obsessively. But he can't make it obvious by grabbing it and just gobbling it down! Everyone would laugh at him! He'd have to approach this carefully. He calmly took a bite. "…Thank you.""IT WAS LACED WITH RAT POISON! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"Yuki died INSTANTLY, because we all know that's how poison works. Oh well, at least he got some cheese.

"And for Haru…I got a meat grinder!" Akito laughed maniacally. "Oh no…I'm gonna get killed." Haru said in the most apathetic, unemotional voice EVER. Akito chucked Haru into the grinder.

"I couldn't think of a tiger-relater way to kill you, Kisa, so I'll just throw you in the grinder too." Akito picked her up and threw her headfirst into the grinder.

"And as for Momiji…I guess I'll just throw you into the pit of angry lions that appeared 5 seconds ago." Akito threw the rabbit into the pit, and he was slowly torn apart.

"Ah, Hatori…your death will be fun. I have an aquarium of female seahorses right here and you are going to get pregnant. But don't worry; you will die in nine months." Akito forced Hatori to hug the corpse known as Tohru so he could be a seahorse, and threw him into the aquarium. Ten seconds later, some random seahorse raped him, and Akito pulled him out. Hatori transformed back a few minutes later, but he couldn't find his clothes because Akito threw them out the window.

"Enjoy your 9 months left to live. Now for Ayame's present." He forced Aaya to hug Tohru's dead body and sliced the snake into a million pieces with a giant knife that appeared out of nowhere. "Yum…sushi…sort of." He ate a couple of slices.

"Rin, you get to take a trip to the glue factory." Akito threw Rin out the window and she landed in a glue factory that randomly moved next door 2 seconds ago.

"Hiro, you're a stupid brat, so I decided to throw you into a pit of Canadian geese. You'll suffer for days before you die." Hiro was thrown into the pit of Canadian geese that appeared next to the pit of angry lions.

"Ritsu, I was too lazy to think of a death for you, and I don't really care about you, so I'll just throw you in with the Canadian geese as well." An echo of 'I'M SORRYYYYYY' was heard as Ritsu fell into the pit.

"Kureno, you're my bitch, so I won't kill you yet…but Shigure, prepare to die!" Akito beat him with a hair dryer until he died of internal bleeding.

Akito turned to the two remaining victims, Kyou and Kagura. "Hmm…hell, I'll just lock you up together. That should be worse than death for you, Kyou. Plus it should be torture for Kagura as well when she accidentally kills you. Have fun!" He shoved them in a tiny room to die."DAMMIT! NOOOOO!" Kyou shouted, trying to bang down the door.

"YES, MY LOVE!" Kagura said maliciously.

Sounds of torture were heard, then silence, and then sobbing. "WAHHH…KYOU, BREATHE DAMMIT! I KNOW YOU'RE ALIVE!"

"MUAHAHAHAHA!" Akito paused his evil laugh. "Wait, now I have to wait for the new zodiac members to be born…fuck that. I'll probably die before then anyway, since I'm such a sicko." He pulled out a revolver and shot himself.

Kureno stared at the scene before him. "I'm…I'm alive! AND AKITO'S DEAD! FUCK YEAH BITCHES!" He did a little dance and unlocked the room to let Kagura out. They gallivanted into the sunset and lived happily ever after.

JUST KIDDING! She actually killed him with her bare hands for not being Kyou. But SHE lived happily ever after. She became a very successful businesswoman and was very wealthy. THE END!


End file.
